She.

I don’t believe it…i guess i’ll never be able to…
for so many year, i was into wani, even though she never talks to me no more for years…i never give up, i kept going back for her, for so long…
Until.
She. I meet her in this foreign country, we both are malaysian, and together we all stay under one roof, with others malaysian as well. all things went well, days goes by, just like malaysian school life…
People makes fren in this house, and sometime becomes enemy to the other person, some couple up, some breaks up, table talks happen most of the times to settle things down, just like normal life we seen on tv series..life in hostel ain’t like house, where you get to see your dear parents and your lovely siblings and even your lively pet dog…under one roof with different blood lines, things goes on and down, vary.
She. was a fren of mine. we use to talk, backstab other people, BBQ sausages on rooftop, joke bout teacher and all…yes, we were fren.
One thing really weird about the thing called ‘feeling’ is that, you didn’t really notice until it grow into size of a lump, until it really did mess with your thought, like a spirit within…It was too late, chance for me to cut it off has slip,and I, had made a mistake…dead mistake. I told myself, I’m in love with her.
She had a boyfren, i was told. I’ve tried to rid of this feeling, but it ain’t easy, it ’s never that easy. She’s deeply in love, and i’m just another Mr.whatever that trying to get this Mrs somebody. I really did tried, to hold this malignant disease within my body, to shut it off for good, still it lingers.I’ve decided not too close to her nowadays, in case i made mistake that she’ll notice and our friendship will be so over. I hope, maybe after this holiday, everything will be back to normal, like it never ever happen. holiday, our semester break, we all went home. God’s work, i guess, i got the same flight time ticket as hers, and i sat next to her during the whole time, from waiting room in medan till airport lobby in KL. we talk alot, more than usual. after depart with her in the airport, i had a dream that night back home, it was beautiful.
I’m taking exam during this semester break in KL, i try to forget her as i study like i never did before, even in stpm. I’m doing my best, to rid of this feeling, coz it’s a guild to have this feeling, and i told myself: it’s wani that i should go back for, not she.. i’ve succeed. her messages in my indox are history, so as the feeling, as i thought so…
January, i’m back to medan. on flight, i had this really weird feeling: i was hoping we’re on the same flight, and i could sat next to her again, get closer again…she arrive in afternoon, i meet her back in hostel, a usual fren hello and goodbye is what i said to her that day, none else.
Weeks past by, we are fren, the usual type.one day she wants to borrow my book, i was reluctant that time(it’s my favourite book), and i really can’t believe i really thought like that…it was so over, i guess. life goes on, me and she are getting as closer fren, as we more frequent messaging each other. one day, she ask me if i want to join this chinese new year party, i was like, hell yeah why not..i should have reject her that day…
That day, we arrive home earlier than usual, to prepare for tonite. i wore my best shirt, and my best shoe, waiting in the front door, and then i saw a different person waving at me…She. Totally different. She’s stunning in the red satin dress…lost of words, we go to the destination with taxi, and spend the rest evening there. during the time, we are on different table, i message her during the boring speech, and she reply. I can’t hold the feeling any longer, i told her that she, in fact, really look good in that red dress…a simple compliment message but all hell breaks loose.
She. suspect me. she can sense something is wrong. usually we chat and stuff, just normal, but these day i’m acting really different, she said to her frens. i admit, yeah. the feeling is back, was normal at the begining of this semester, and because i try my best to hold it, but burning high after that dinner night…
She. starts ignore me. she stops reply my message, and getting further from me…why..i know i’m doing a bad thing, i shouldn’t have that feeling at 1st, coz she’s owned! but i was doing my best to hold it, i dare not to steal her and stuff, all i’m trying to do is just be fren..though sometime i did something usual fren normally won’t do…
All seem lost. to save our fren realationship, I decided to talk with her, face to face, me and you…she was nervous when i told her that..Waiting on the rooftop for nearly half hour, sat alone thinking of all those negative effect and result that if she didn’t come and stuff really making me crazy..i sat there and even cried.Still, she appear later on. I told her everything, EVERYTHING i mean, and i apologize for having this guildty feeling. She said she understand…I knew it all along, things is so different from the past now.
We, are no longer best fren. Still, she reply every message i’ve sent, but i knew that wasn’t her will, she did that just not to let me felt dissapointted. She looks nervous everytime we talk…
All because of me. because of those stupid thing i’ve done…i got to made up to her. I decided, i should stay further from her, and i’ve stop messaging her…her fren are talking behind her back, coz she already had a boyfren, and now sumthing like she’s seducing other guy and stuff…human’s mouth, sometime are worst than snake’s venom…i’ve decided again, i should do something. I spread rumors, that my past GF is back to me, just to cleanse her name, although brings back old memories hurts me, the fuck i care for now.
Her birthday, i dare not to celebrate largely for her, i just give all i could for her because I know, no matter what i do now, people will still be talking behind us, like i’m stealing her and stuff, even though i was trying to be just her fren…what done is done, regret is useless. For now, i lives my life as usual, so as she, for i dare not to get that close to her anymore, even if i don’t care what people said, but she’s the victim too, i must not think of ownself only..for now, i just do all my best to aids her, care for her and everything, behind everyone eyes, a hidden fren lol…i sincerly don’t know how she thinking, but i don’t care, if no harm will comes to her anymore, i’m willing to do…
She. taught me how to laugh, coz i’ve been taking life tooooo serious all these years, until i didn’t really felt the joy and frens around me. She. reminds me of what i’ve missed: basketball. She. as always the smiley girl that i known, brings joy whenver she’s around. She. reminds me of all the things i’ve missed in my teenage years…
I couldn’t love her, but i could protect her, and i know, it is my duty.
Whenever seeing she smiles…I’m bliss.